Dear Colin

Your Excellency!
First of all thank you for your visit. No matter how short it was it really, really means a lot to us. You see, we have this rather strange agressive superiority-inferiority complex as a nation and many of us still proudly claims that Denmark doesn't matter and therefore we shouldn't do anything or say anything about anything. It's quite disturbing.

(Det, jeg her indledningsvis fortæller Colin Powell, er, at han er en fin fyr, og at vi er glade for at han besøger os. Ikke benovede. Men glade.)

And Colin: I have a question for you. And I really tried to get close to you, but boy are you hard to reach! I mean: What is happening with all those black suits and helicopters and police and God-knows-what lurching from the rooftops? Is this, like, normal to you, Colin? Because if it is - then you must be a very cool man. And I think you are. And thats why I tried to ask you that question. Because I know you could do something about it.

(Det er bare lidt mere professionel ros af Powell iblandet et par modige, kritiske bemærkninger.)

I even called the the big guy at the Royal Danish Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Not the dusty but clever guy with the pibe and the beard that is a wee bit too long to be trendy. No, I mean The Big Guy. Mr. Farsø Madsen from the press department! The man who issues permits to get close to you. But he was way out there! I mean, stressed beyond the edge of raw panic:
"It's Farsø!" he barked.
"Hi, I'm Anders Lund Madsen. Am I interrupting something?" I politely inquired.
"Yes! Make it short! I'm standing in the middle of Powell's visit!" he barked.
"Oh? How lucky! Can I talk to him?"
"What? Now? No! You should have applied for a permit yesterday!"
"Dang. So then the goat is shaved?" I asked.

And then he hung up on me, Colin. It was so uncool. And don't mind the thing about the goat - it's just a saying we have in Denmark. It means that something is over. Like Saddam Hussein's ruthless oppression of Iraq for instance. Thanks to you and the British and us. Because somebody had to shave that goat, Colin. And I'm proud to be on side of those who do something instead of those who whine about nothing.

(Flere høfligheder. Jeg roser her især udenrigsminister Per Stig Møller og hans stab.)

So I went to the American Embassy on Østerbro. Because I figured you had to visit them now that they had cleaned up the embassy and the security guards and everything. And there was police everywhere and that was a good sign. But no Colin Powell. And I asked a cop - a very nice cop! And handsome too! - and he said that nobody knew if or when you would show up. So I waited. And waited. And I was freezing my nuts off, Colin! And there was this nice lady who also had a question for you, but that was a question about Burma, and nobody on this planet is able to answer a question about Burma because nobody can explain anything about Burma, not even the Burmese. And I was going to say that to the nice lady. But then you came! Oh Colin! You actually came!

(Lidt mere bla-bla. Plus noget uvæsentligt om Burma. Ignorer det.)

But you didn't see me. And I had even dressed up, but you were hidden behind all those cops and suits and helicopters. So you missed the opportunity. And now I have to fax this to your plane and waste your time with all this text, and I'm sorry. Because it's such a simple question. And you are a personal friend to Mr. Clinton, and my mother once shook hands with Clinton and afterwards she said that he seemed to be an totally okay guy and then his friend must be an totally okay guy too. So you are okay and that is important because you have power. And it is this power I will ask you to exercise now:

(Absolut ikke noget vigtigt at hente her. Undtagen noget om min mor, men det fører for vidt.)

And my question is:
Can you please pull some strings and get me into space? There is a space doctor who doesn't like me, but Anders Fogh Rasmussen will do anything you ask him to, and the space doctor really likes Mr. Rasmussen. Would you? It would really make me a happy man. Please. I promise to make Denmark proud again. And that is what we need in order to survive.

(Bla-bla-bla. Glem det. Men jakkesættet er da fint.)

Illustrationer af Anna Laurine Kornum
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